Nukilan Mengarut

Is this what people call 'LOVE'? 'Cause this is so truly hurting me. I don't really know when people say they're hurt because of love. But now I know. Physically, my hands are sweating. Heavily. One piece of tissue is not enough to absorb the sweat excreted through my sweat glands in my palm. I feel like I'm having an asthma. As if my lungs are compressed into mini lungs in my chest. And the oxygen can't be distributed through out my whole cells in my body. And I have small, invisible and loads and lots of pretty purple butterflies flying freely changed from the villus in my intestine due to adrenaline rush in my vain. Mentally, I'm trying to think what I should do when the time comes. The actions, and trying to put the best words to create the best drama I could ever have in my entire life to be labelled in my 'Love Life' category. Emotionally, I'm obviously ecstatic and nervous at the same time. I've been imagining how things would turn out but, it's what people always say 'Expect for the worst, Hope for the best'. I've been literally trying to do that ever since I reached this place for about 4 days already. And hope never fail to disappoint me. Huh..What am I crapping about! God, this is making me freaking crazy! It hurts! 'That' is not, exactly like what I wanted. But somehow deep down inside, I knew I fell. I did try to get up, but I fell over again. I know I'll be crushed into pieces. I'm only human with flaws. Of course, I have that tiniest of hope in my heart. Discrimination, is a word that I try to make myself bear in mind that it happens to me and anyone; everywhere. And I'll be hurt by the littlest bit of action I received. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Will you stop bothering me? Please, for God's sake, will you (hurt) give me a chance (or chances. Haha!) for me to lead a live without you exist in my existence?

Am I living in denial?

27th May 2010


I could say that I faced today's challenge, successfully. Almost. Still, my hands are sweating, again. And it cost me more than a piece of tissue. My heart is pounding hard, but in a soft way that I could never explain how you feel like ripping your heart from your chest. Sure, it is ONLY me. ONLY ME. That feels this way. And it gives me such a feeling, a numb or something on my finger. I hate it so much. This feeling, it;s torturing me.Seriously! GOD! I was kinda bored to death just now so I took a the latest book written by Sophie Kinsella that I just bought and try to read it. But every time I read, every single line, I can't have that imagination, like when you read a book, you can picture the image in your head, like a drama. But this time, nada! It's only the 'other' image I'm seeing in my head. (Not porn okay. I'm not a pervert. TQVM). The actions, reading the characters through 'the' reactions, the attitude, the way that 'thing' stands. Okay, I may be a psycho pathetic or freak or path or whatever you call it, but I think I know how to read people. And there's a BIG difference between 'Reading' and 'Judging'. I usually don't cry because of love or man. But at the moment, I think I can understand why people would cry because of love; because of how much love hurts, knowing the truth; IT IS ONLY YOU THAT FEELS. I would never cry because of a man. Not for a man whom I never truly love him, like my uncles, that's an exception la. I wouldn't cry for silly things, but now I feel I could.

27th May 2010

PS: Dear God, please forgive me for all my sins and craping. 

Here's for ya'll.

And this, for I can hear this song spinning in my head.


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