I'm Suffocating! Are you??

There are just times when you feel like you wanna scream; run away as far as you can; cry as hard as you want to cry or just vanish into thin air. Though, that one is impossible, logically. Heh.

There are just times when you feel like you have no life, that your life is only about work, work, work and trying to make others happy and at the same time, sacrificing your own happiness, your own desire, just to make the one you love, happy. Sometimes, I do wonder, what kind of love is that?? Shouldn’t love makes you happy? But to think back, everything has its ups and downs, give and take. Unfortunately, that’s the system that we breath with everyday. A system that God has created for us.

I’m angry. I know the fact that being angry or having anger inside yourself, wont help you go anywhere. Except that when you’re able to release it, to flame it all out, it’ll only do you good.

To be brutally honest, sometimes, I am tired of trying to make her happy. Sometimes I am tired trying to fulfill everything that she asked, every single of her demand or so-called wish of me, though I know most of it are for my own good. But I need SPACE! I cant be stuck here with these few people and to only look at their faces 24/7!

I am sorry that I sometimes have to project out my anger in terms of energy when my aunt asked me to picit kepala dia. There are just anger inside of me. I need to be free. I want to do MY OWN THING! I want to taste life! I want to go through the obstacle by myself!

Ibu, you cant just hold me here and be extra careful or in other word, being OVER-PROTECTIVE trying to avoid me from problems in life. How am I supposed to learn if I never fall? How am I suppose to be a grown-up when I cant even see life, let alone live it!

I am tired of trying to be in control. That’s why I said that I’m POTENTIALLY wild. I have that wildness in myself that I kept for a lonnggg time. And you can bring it out whenever you want to. That is also why I said, SOMETIMES… I JUST WANNA BE ME!

Come on! I’m only 18! I wanna FEEL the life of being 18! I wanna feel the rush of wind on my face! I want to get all wet in the rain! I want to explore the world! I just, want to be me!

You see, to be crystal clear here, I am not me whenever I am around my family. I mean, my biological family (‘cause I believe friends are the family that you make). I have to be “controlled”. I have to be… what they want me to. Yeah, I did that because I sympathized them. They did so much for me, and that’s the only way I could repay them. Though I can never repay them for all they did.

And I hate attention-seeker. I hate when people are trying to EXAGERRATE things. I hate when they’re trying to “EMPHASIS” on how much they are actually tired…not being well. Well, first of all, if you only think about the word ‘TIRED’, then I’ll be more than glad to tell you that for ALL your life, you will be tired! And also, for the rest of your life, you will be sick, or always having something not right with your health. I HATE TOTAL PESSIMIST! For God’s sake, of course there is positive and negative! Of course there is Yin and Yang! Of course there are ups and downs! But if you only look at the bad ones, then I don’t know what else to say. You’re pathetic! Get it?????!!!!

We don’t know when life is about to end, but could you have AT LEAST… a GOOD mind-set if not great??? You cant just spread the negativity, humans! Tuhan pun cakap JANGAN BERSANGKA BURUK! Aku tau la aku pun BUKANNYA PERFECT! But at least, I know how to differentiate between what’s right and wrong. What’s supposed and what isn’t.

God! There is just so much anger in me! So much negative energy! If I’m in a gangster gang right now, I’d probably call up my gang and beat innocent people just to get this hatred out of me. Though I know I’ll feel sorry for them for having to be my victim.

And just now, my MP4 was TOTALLY out of battery, so I’m more than “flattered”. My MP4 is my only portal into my another world. My portal that through it, I let go all of my negative feelings, emotions, thoughts along the way. Escapism. I know. And I can’t help it. It’s for the best of me, I supposed. If I don’t have my MP4, then probably I’ll be more violent of releasing my “energy” in terms of facial expression or actions. Immature. I don’t know when will I act mature!

I am tired of trying to understand others when they don’t even bother to understand me. Pathetically, my family (except for my mom la), they don’t know which are my favorite fruits, which fruits I hate, which are my favorite food and so forth, except for the one that I always eat. Like they don’t know if I hate tauchu. Of course how could they know if I never tell them? But they’ve known this (or supposed to know) since then! Why should I call them family when they don’t even act like one? They only talk about themselves, about how much work they’ve done, about how hardworking they are, about…urgh! Everything about themselves! I missed my late uncle. He was the ONLY among any of my aunties and uncles who actually REMEMBERS MY birthday, EVERY SINGLE YEAR! And he was the one who actually remind others of my birthday. =)

You know, being with me, if you care for me, I’ll care for you more. If you love me, I’ll be there for you. I’ll stand by you! It’s simple as that. But if you cant even bother to KNOW me, deep inside, AND outside, then I couldn’t even bother to look at you. Let alone to give you my love, my care and my heart. I can be colder than ice, and I can be as warm as a hot chocolate in the winter.

Actually, I hate it when I have hatred inside of me. For me, I believe, that when we hate someone for that particular quality inside of them, we WILL have that quality inside ourselves. Tak percaya? Cuba cari satu sifat yang korang paling benci kat orang yang korang paling benci. Cerminkan balik. Ada tak sifat tu dalam diri korang? I know its hard to see cause I’m well known for Malaysians mentality; the I’m-always-right mentality. But just, give a chance for yourself to reflect back. I’ll do the same here. Sama-sama kita cuba reflect, or kalau nak philosophish skit, muhasabah diri is the word. Kalau kita tau kita ada sifat tu, sama-sama kita cuba buang sifat tu dari diri kita.

Detect. Analyse. Breath in. Count to 3. Breath out, loudly, with in your mind saying ‘I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be (say specifically).

Mind-set is important, people. Your attitude more or less reflects your mind-set, your mentality.

Insya-Allah, together we’ll be a better person.

Now that I’m relieved, I feel so much better. Wayyy much better! Ops, the positive energy is slipping in! Massively!!!! =)

Ps: terasa macam psychiatrist la plak! Hahaha

Pss : teringat kat Uncle King. I miss his motivation.

Psss: Tak suka mood skang. Gaduh dgn ibu semalam. And pagi ni ibu mcm memerli lagi. Aduyai....guane kawe nak abik result ni...takut tak de keberkatan... result weyh.... lusa nak kuar da. Ini tak boleh jadi...kena mintak maaf dgn ibu SEBELUM pergi ganu. SEBELUM langkah kaki kuar umah... 

God bless you, people! =D

No comments

What's on your mind is there for a reason. :)